…let’s all prepare to Carry
On Doctor Who, it’s…
The Romans
In which the
Doctor shows Vicki the sights and sounds of Rome (she’s only fourteen for God’s
sake [well…according to Keith Topping] - has he never seen Caligula or read I, Claudius?);
Ian is press-ganged into rowing on the Rome - Naples ferry; and Barbara is sold
at auction like some old pot on Bargain
Hunt…
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| 'Oh god,' thought Vicki, 'not more bloody ants eggs and larks tongues.' What she really wanted was a plate of chicken nuggets, a tin of alphabetti spaghetti and some oven chips. |
- for those of you who don’t possess a copy of this story,
but want to know what it’s all about, may I suggest that you just listen to the
Hartnell theme tune followed by a viewing of the film Up Pompeii - it amounts to pretty much the same thing.
- it’s very funny that Maximus Pettulian does actually look a
lot like William Hartnell, except for the fact he hasn’t got his teeth in.
- as we leave the market place the camera lingers on a stone
statue. Oo’er…whatever you do, don’t blink. ‘Just another dreary old statue’ says
Vicki as she and the Doctor pass by another one a couple of scenes later on - one in
the eye for Steven Moffat there methinks.
 |
| 'There's some ice in the fridge', joked Barbara to Ian. 'And while you're at it don't forget the chocolate body spread, the nipple clamps and the penis erection spray' she added. |
- Ian looks much younger and sexier with his hair combed
forward - it looks almost Bieber (not that that that’s a good thing you understand). Shame the
TARDIS couldn’t land in Cardiff 2006 during the Ninth Doctor’s visit, then Ian
could have gone shopping in Top Shop
with Captain Jack. If anyone can get the middle-aged science teacher out of
cardigans and slacks and into something a little more trendy, it’ll be him.
 |
| As the Doctor readies himself for bed, Ascaris prepares to enter from behind! He pulls out his long, fearsome looking weapon and makes to stick it in the old man. Probably best send the children to bed at this point folks. |
- look at Ian chucking his seed about everywhere (as he eats
his grapes that is)! Which brings me to something of a delicate question…which
I shall try and phrase as delicately as possible. Have he and Barbara had a
shag (well, I did say “try”, but I obviously failed)? From the looks of it in
their scene alone together they were at it as soon as the Doctor and Vicki were
out the front door. It’s all very relaxed and intimate. ‘Oh tempora!’ declaims
Ian, which of course, translated means “Oh the times!”. That’s proof enough for
me...unless what he’s actually saying is ‘Oh tempura!’ and he’s commenting on
Barbara’s batter…erm…moving swiftly on…
- one of the women slaves at the traders’ camp looks like an
older, more haggard version of Carla Connor from Coronation Street.
 |
| Ian was beginning to wonder if the stewardess was ever coming round with the trolley...he was gagging for a gin and tonic and a bag of peanuts. |
- on board the galley ship, Ian’s ended up in Third Class I
see (the older supporting artist sitting in front of him is really giving his
all, bless ‘im). ‘There’s supposed to be bad weather coming up’ says the galley
master (how does he know, has he been listening to the shipping forecast?) so
he tells them all to ‘Prepare your oars’ which could’ve come straight from the
mouth of Frankie Howard himself and is just begging for a suitable retort and a
knowing wink at the camera. The shipwreck itself is conveyed by having a load
of people off camera dowsing the set with buckets of water - it reminds me a
lot of Tiswas.
- so, the Doctor’s a prize wrestler. I can just imagine him
on WWF SmackDown! (although picturing
Billy in just a pair of trunks is not an image that I want to take to bed with
me.) His treatment of Ascaris is great; so full on his would-be assassin throws
himself out of the window!
 |
| [right] Potato-faced bad boy, Staal,. Or is it Skorr? Stike? Lynx? What about Strax? That's the problem with trying to identify an individual from a cloned race! Anyway, altogether now..."Sontar-Ha"; [left] Bible-bashing, Barbara fancying, goody-two-shoes, Tavius. |
- and what’s the first thing Nero does on entering? He belches.
Nice.
- I adore Episode Three: Conspiracy. It’s where the comedy
spreads its wings and soars to giddy heights. I love it when Poppea pokes Nero
in the bum for trying it on with Barbara; I love the fact that, in his haste to
leave the room, Nero can’t quite manage to get through the curtains, even with
Tavius’ help; and I love it when Nero falls over as he backs away from Vicki in
his pursuit of Barbara. I also love the scene in the baths where the Doctor
saves the life of a slave who accidentally splashes Nero with water, ordering
the guards to banish him from Rome before Nero can command his death, and then
congratulating the Emperor on how well he handled the situation. And above all,
I love the Doctor’s musical recitation. It’s a completely brilliant scene, so
silly, but it works beautifully. And Hartnell carries it off magnificently. Of
course, the irony is that if the Doctor had
played appallingly, Nero wouldn’t have got into such a strop, meaning he
wouldn’t have stormed off to the Arena, meaning Ian and Delos wouldn’t have
been forced to fight each other. Although it does turn out to be serendipitous,
in that the Doctor’s decision brings Ian and Barbara back together.
 |
| Barbara is sold at auction... or have I just put the wrong DVD in? |
- Ian and Delos are going to be trained to become gladiators.
In that case, they’re going to have to think of suitable names, just like their
TV game show counterparts. For Delos I’m thinking along the lines of “Viper” -
something which strikes quickly and with deadly effect…it’s also a nice
counterpart to Cobra, who was a member of the original Gladiators team - while
for Ian I’m thinking along the lines of something akin to “Diesel” - he was a
big, bald, butch thing who looked good in a lycra bodysuit. Something Ian
definitely isn’t. Ian’s from 1963 and likes wearing cardies. Hmmm, in that case
what about “Paraffin” for his alias?
- they’re told they’ll have to face the perils of the Circus.
Oh god, don’t tell me…Billy Chipperfield’s in town and they’re going to have to
dress up in oversized shoes, baggy trousers and brightly coloured wigs and
custard pie each other in the face until one of them loses the will to live.
 |
| Gosh! Barbara combing Ian's hair forward has made all the difference. Erm... |
- Poppea thinks she’s Alexis (Marissa Morrell Carrington
Colby Dexter Rowan) from Dynasty.
She’s very imperious with Babs. I almost expect them to end up fighting in the
fountain by the end of Episode Three. It’s clear she’ll stop at nothing to
ensure that she maintains her position of power at her husband’s right hand
(Nero ended up kicking her to death whilst she was pregnant. Thankfully Mr
Spooner doesn’t include this as an hilarious “comedy moment”.)
- Locusta is a sort of evil Nigella Lawson, pottering about
in her assassins kitchen - she’s even wearing something that looks a bit like a
dressing gown. Bet people aren’t rushing to sample her chocolate brownies though.
 |
| That's funny...I don't remember Episode Four being in colour. And why is everyone so hairy...? |
- the Doctor and Nero visit a men only sauna together! After
which they no doubt retire to a private cubicle.
- Vicki’s proving herself to be a bit of a brat. Bored out of
her wits in Episode One (after a trip to the market place, during which it’s
“want, want, want”), her attitude changes on the trip to Rome, only for her to
take the most audacious action ever carried out by a companion so far in the series in Episode Three. ‘I think I’ve just poisoned Nero’ she casually announces after
swapping the poisoned cups around in Locusta’s workroom. What? Her complete
lack of concern (which borders again on bored indifference), seemingly
mentioning it only as an afterthought once the Doctor’s just given her a bit of
a lecture on not changing history, feels so completely wrong. Are we supposed
to calmly accept that she’s knowingly put another life at risk and yet seems
entirely unconcerned to the fact. If she was that anxious about an innocent drinking the affected cup why didn’t
she empty the poisoned chalice and replace it with one containing just wine?
What she does is unforgivable. The only explanation I can give in an attempt to
explain her actions away is that it highlights what I said in The Rescue, it’s an allusion to her
true character being something of a spoilt princess. Even so, trying to reason
it away like this is a hell of a stretch! I just don’t understand how Dennis
Spooner expected us to take such a thing in our stride.
 |
| It was the largest spliff either Nero or Poppea had ever seen! 'Bugger razing Rome to the ground' decided the Emperor, 'Let's get shitfaced and lie around on beanbags listening to Fairport Convention instead.' |
- Nero wants the Doctor to play in the Arena, what Wembley?
- the Doctor accidentally setting fire to the plans of New
Rome is great and show’s that, while you can’t exactly change history, you can
cause established history to happen.
- the way Ian and Delos gain access to the palace past the
guarded entrance - hidden amongst Nero’s “torchbearers” - is a bit like a
couple of underage kids sneaking past the bouncers into a nightclub on a Friday night.
- the guard finding the Doctor and Vicki crawling about in
the bushes is hilarious. It doesn’t faze him in the slightest. Obviously serving
in Nero’s palace he’s used to witnessing such "indiscretions".
- The History Bit - Tavius’s cross is something of an anachronism. Although
known to early Christians as a symbol of faith it didn’t come into usage until
the Fifth Century CE. Prior to this it was too closely associated with
crucifixion as a method of public execution for it to have any other
connotation. It was also strongly identified with more pagan religious
iconography, such as the Ankh (this is what happens you see when you do a
history degree…you’re always on the lookout for cock-ups).
- Death-O-Meter: 77. Maximus Pettulian - murdered
on the roadside by Ascaris, who’s not a dandy highwayman but a smelly looking
chap with no tongue; 78. Centurion
- murdered in the apodyterium, or as the Doctor calls it, ‘The apody-what?’; 79. Tigilinus - amongst all the
comedy we get the one of the blackest pieces of humour ever seen in the show
when Nero makes Tigilinus test the poisoned drink, at which he keels over and
dies. This doesn’t sit very comfortably with me at all. The humour doesn’t
quite work. I suppose it’s got something to do with that old adage of Tom
Baker’s: ‘There’s nothing wrong with violence so long as you show it hurts’ (or
words to that effect). And that’s the problem - it’s passed off as just another
joke, but it’s really not very funny at all. And it certainly doesn’t warrant
Brian Proudfoot’s “comedy” death. There’s no choking…no gasping for a last
breath, just a funny look before he keels over onto the floor; 80. Guard - knifed by Nero for
not fighting hard enough during Ian’s and Delos’s escape from the Arena. Still,
I suppose this way there’s no danger of him being able to sue for unfair
dismissal.
 |
| When Billy went missing during rehearsals for The Romans, Verity had the good sense to send a search party out to Hampstead Heath. Lo and behold, who should they find sneaking out from behind a bush, after spending twenty minutes in the company of a young man going by the name of "Butch"...? Yep, you guessed it... |
(Goodness knows how many are lost in the shipwreck; Locusta
is carted off on the orders of Poppea and thrown to the lions in the arena, but
we don’t see it happen. Which is a shame because I’d love to know how the
production team would’ve tackled such a demanding spectacle [especially in light of the crocodile fiasco in The Dalek Invasion of Earth] - I’m guessing fun fur would’ve been
involved at some point; Delos sticks a flaming torch in a man’s face as he, Ian
and Barbara escape the palace, but he doesn’t appear to snuff it, however,
he’ll probably need the services of a very good plastic surgeon, or at the very least a large tube of Savlon.)
- not only does the fountain in the villa have a plastic
lining, but there’s a bloody great electric cord leading from it which
presumably powers the bloomin’ thing!
- so the travellers stay in some poor blokes villa without
his permission, which is bad enough, but then, to add insult to injury, as they
leave Ian goes and swipes his best silver wine jug and a goblet. They’re
nothing but a bunch of thieving squatters! They don’t even leave any money for
the electricity they’ve used. And no one thinks of running the hoover around.
- ‘We’re being slowly dragged down’ says the Doctor, and
which Ian repeats. Well, you can’t say we weren’t warned about what's coming up next...
Score on the
TARDIS Doors - 9½ - Doctor Who
has never been so much fun. I love this story and to those of you who have
never appreciated it’s delights, I urge you to put an evening aside, open a
bottle of wine and give it another go. William Hartnell in particular is having
a whale of a time, so much so he comes out of character on a couple of occasions (he’s
outrageously camp in the after dinner scene in The Slave Traders). But
for all that, there’s a dark undercurrent bubbling beneath the surface throughout. Life is cheap in this period of history. The market stall
holder can sell people out for just a few coins, while the slave traders
themselves don’t see Barbara and Ian as human beings but rather as potential
profit. An old man (who was himself an assassin) is murdered by the roadside on
the orders of Nero for the simple fact that he is a better musician than the
Emperor, while Nero is seen to pay well those who eliminate any kind of
opposition. What kind of life you live in Roman times depends on who you are
and what you were born into. It’s an age where a person’s liberty or even life
can be forfeited on the whim of another person.
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| The journey from the villa to Rome was a long and arduous one... |
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