Leon E. Bender life

…stop horsing about, it’s…

The Myth Makers

In which the
Doctor is mistaken for a god (and over twenty years before the Cartmel master
plan gets underway!); Vicki gets sticky when she claps eyes on a Trojan hunk;
Steven dresses up like a male stripper; and someone called Katarina thinks
she’s died and gone to heaven (give it another four episodes love)…

- Humphrey Searle composed the music for this. Looking at his
Wikipedia page it would appear he was extremely well
thought of and relatively prolific. Didn’t stop me sitting through the entire
story wondering when then orchestra was going to stop tuning up and start playing though. It’s often quite, quite bizarre and at times even gives The Sea Devils a run for its money.

Vicki suggested Steven

might want to consider

putting on a slightly longer

toga, as it wasn't just his

slip that was poking out

from beneath his hemline.

- has the Doctor got a death wish? Why does he want to go out
and ask two posturing big butch things, who are beating several shades of ichor
out of one another, where they’ve landed? And that reminds me…if they were all
so bloody interested in what was going on down on the planet the scanner zoomed
into at the end of Galaxy 4, then
how come they haven’t landed on Kembel?

- ‘I don't think they'd appreciate your kind of sarcasm’
replies the Doctor when Steven says it might be best if he steps out of the
ship instead. So, the Doctor’s picked up on the fact that Steven can be, how
shall I put it…a little minty at times.

- Hector - hmmm, yes…I used to be familiar with his house
(only people of a certain age, i.e. old farts, will get this reference).

- the Doctor points out to Achilles that he is not in
possession of a beard….unlike the John Simm Master then.

- ‘We’re probably in Greece’ hypothesises Steven. ‘Oh, but
that would be wonderful, wouldn't it?’ replies Vicki. ‘We might meet the
heroes’. Yes dear…or Shirley Valentine.

- the TARDIS has disappeared (again) - oh shit…it’s not the
Animus is it?

- Vicki’s ankle is remarkably healed by Episode Two I notice
(from the two second clip that some nice person in new Zealand [or somewhere]
taped off the telly with their Sekonic
Elmatic). Perhaps she found the TARDIS’ foot strain repair machine at the
same time she was looking through the wardrobe for a nice new frock to put on.

- of course, as soon as Priam renames Vicki Cressida we can
all guess what’s going to happen…as would any kid back in the day with a
regular subscription to Look and Learn.
She’s clearly never heard of the name - good job then that the Time-Space
Visualiser didn’t zoom in on Shakespeare talking about Troilus and Cressida back in The
Chase then.

- Odysseus - possible
one of the best supporting characters to appear in the series so far, played,
of course, by Ivor Salter, who looked so bored in The Space Museum just a few stories ago (though I’m guessing now
that must’ve been intentional). He’s wonderfully boorish and swaggering - the sort
of bloke you’d dread opening the front door when being taken to meet the
parents of someone you really fancy for the first time. He’s disrespectful
(calling the Doctor ‘carrion’ in Episode One), crude (‘Upon my soul, you're
making me as nervous as a Bacchante at her first orgy’ he warns the Doctor
as they wait inside the wooden horse), marvellously droll (the Doctor goes to
great lengths to explain how they can make catapults, with which to fire his
“flying machines” over the walls of Troy, out of strips of ox hide, stretching
it out like a bow-string, then pouring water over it and leaving it to dry in
the sun, ‘…what happens then?’ he asks the Greek. ‘It begins to smell’ comes
the laconic reply), and unnervingly dangerous (‘Some half score Trojans will
not whistle easy tonight’ he tells Achilles. Why? Because he’ll have slit their
throats and such an act will be impossible). Having said all that, I can just
see him working in a department store as Santa over the festive period. His threatening
to fire the Doctor over the walls of Troy without a plane is one of the best
scenes in the series so far. Penelope, his wife, should count herself lucky it
takes him another ten years to get home after all this…what’s a few suitors
eating you out of house and home compared to being woken up by some hairy,
sweaty, bad tempered lout waking you up for a “cuddle” in the middle of the
night.

'Oooh, 'ere, missus, no...titter ye not...nay, nay and thrice nay...

please yerselves...bitter out', Odysseus would keep the Grecian troops

entertained of an evening with his Frankie Howerd stand-up tribute routine.

 - for some reason, Priam puts me in mind of Maggie Smith’s
Dowager Countess in Downton Abbey.

- ‘I dreamed that out on the plain the Greeks had left a
gift, and although what it was remained unclear, we brought it into Troy. Then
at night, from out its belly, soldiers came and fell upon us as we slept’
explains Cassandra - hmmm, maybe she shouldn’t eat cheese just before going to
bed.

- ‘You seem very fond of horses’ says Vicki to Priam. In which case, maybe
she should lend him Black Beauty
from the TARDIS library.

GET A ROOM!

- by Episode Three it’s fairly obvious that Vicki’s on her
way out - ‘I know how to take care of myself’ she tells Steven as they sit
locked up in the dungeons of Troy; a sure sign that Maureen O’Brien will soon
be handing in her dressing room key to reception for the last time. ‘He likes
me - I like him’, she tells him about Troilus, which takes her companion completely by
surprise. And us too come to that. I mean, when did she and Troilus meet?
Certainly not on screen…well, not as far as I can make out. James Lynn who
plays him isn’t credited until Episode Three (Death of a Spy) and from
what I can gather they only meet properly when he brings her some food, yet she
was harping on about him being a dreamboat in Small Prophet, Quick Return
(Episode Two). It’s all a bit odd. It’s as if the new production team can’t
quite be bothered putting any effort in to Maureen O’Brien’s departure, but instead
just want to ring in the changes as soon as possible and aren’t all that
bothered how the old baggage is dealt with, writing her character out by having
her run off with a man that hasn’t even put in an appearance yet. She doesn’t
even get an onscreen leaving scene with the Doctor. And yet, in both The Chase and The Time Meddler, Vicki’s been adamant she doesn’t want to leave
the TARDIS. Seems that all changed when she gets a whiff of a fit bloke in a
short toga. I wouldn’t mind so much, but god Troilus is dull! He makes David
Campbell look like a sex maniac.

- Priam likes spending time in the dungeon - ‘I often spend
an hour down too there myself when I've got tired of things up here’. Hmmm…

- Vicki asks Troilus if he fancies a nibble…(when he fetches her
some food I suppose I should add). She’s outrageously flirty. Even Steven says
‘You ought to be ashamed of yourself’ once Troilus has left (to go straight to
the bathroom, no doubt). What makes the scene even funnier is there’s what
sounds like a bit of a guitar solo playing over part of it, which makes it
sound as though they’re sitting in a Spanish restaurant being serenaded.

- Troilus is seventeen next birthday (yeah, right…going on
fifty-five), which Vicki says is hardly any older than her. There must be about
a year’s difference, otherwise she’d say they were the same age. That means
she’s about fifteen at the moment, coming up to sixteen. It also means she’s
underage! She’s been travelling with the Doctor for around a year by this
point, so it looks as though she was only fourteen when she joined the TARDIS
crew. Does this make her the youngest companion ever? Looks like it.

- ‘Well...between you and me, I...I don't honestly enjoy
killing at all. But I love adventure’ says Troilus. ‘Yes, I know what you mean’
replies Vicki. Vomit!

The prototype design for the

Great Horse of Troy is

dismissed as being

somewhat unsuitable.

- the wooden horse is
terribly impressive.

- the tiles on the palace walls make it look like a public
convenience.

- I love the fact that we never get to meet Helen, the woman
who’s responsible for all this (and Menelaus not being all that bothered about
getting her back is a wonderful twist). And how ironic is it that it was a
woman who started this war, yet it’s another who’s indirectly responsible for
its conclusion. For the reason why Paris brings the horse into the city is because
Vicki stepping from the TARDIS has seemingly brought them nothing but good luck
and they think she’s invoked it as a gift from the Gods in celebration of the
Grecian retreat. She and the Doctor are the ones responsible for the mass
slaughter that concludes this story. It’s they who created the myth. This marks
the first time that the Doctor has been responsible for causing a huge loss of
life. It’s the moment when his travels change. From this point on he’s no
longer an innocent time traveller keen only to observe; instead he is forced to
take on a far darker role, one where he must face up to the fact that his
actions can often have huge side-effects on the innocent people whose names he
doesn’t, and never will, know. And all this starts with a new production team. It
actually looks as if Steven might die at one point. Threatening the life of a
main character in such a mundane way (a wound during a swordfight) is something
that’s never happened before, and it’s a real shock. Just like New Who is so good at doing, it wrong
foots you into thinking anyone could die at any moment. That cosiness really is
a thing of the past. I could never imagine Ian getting injured in such a way.
This all suddenly feels much more realistic.

It's usefulness on the series

at an end, the Trojan Horse,

like so many others of its

kind, was off to end its

days in the freezer cabinet

of a well-known high street

supermarket - a vital

ingredient in one of its

own-brand burgers.

- we finally see Steven’s soft side as he tells Vicki she
must warn Troilus to get out of Troy. It’s a lovely insight into a side of his
character he usually does his best to obscure with a mix of bravado and
sarcasm.

- sadly, we’re robbed of the chance of being able to see the Doctor
shin down the rope from inside the horse to the ground below. A good enough
reason for us to hope the episode will one day be found. Though I’m betting a few
choice camera cuts were employed to get round Billy having to do any kind of
stunt. The most difficult thing he’s called on to do is remember his lines –
and he often makes a bit of a hash of that! He’d probably break his neck having
to ease himself down a length of cord.

- it’s a terrifying sound as the gates of Troy open and all
hell is literally unleashed upon the city. Priam, Paris and Cassandra being
confronted by Odysseus and his troops in their palace is surprisingly
upsetting. We’re not shown what happens to them - but we can guess.

- Death-O-Meter: 139. Hector - killed by Achilles
as the Doctor distracts him from the fight. Maybe the interfering old codger
should’ve just stayed inside the ship like Vicki suggested; 140. Cyclops - speared by a
Greek soldier while trying to get a message from Steven to the Doctor. And I
thought the royal mail was unreliable; 141
& 142. Trojan Sentries - one is stabbed by a Greek soldier, the
other by Odysseus, keen to get a look in on the action, no doubt, after spending
a few hours inside an enclosed space with a load of sweaty men and the Doctor
moaning in his ear all the time (although I can imagine the first would be
rather fun); 143. Achilles - killed by Troilus.
Bet you’re all expecting me to say “after Troilus injured him in the heel of
his foot” aren’t you. Yup, well…I’m not going to. Although he does trip over a
root sticking out of the ground. Oops; 144.
Trojan Soldier - after injuring Steven he’s killed by a Greek
soldier. Serves you bloody well right. Injuring my poor Steven. Bagsey me mop
his brow; 145. Priam - killed
(off-screen) during the sack of Troy…supposedly by Neoptolemus, but as he
doesn’t appear in the cast list we’ll just overlook that fact shall we; 146. Paris - like his father,
murdered during the sack of Troy…well, according to Donald Cotton at least.

- back in the TARDIS and thanks to a Billy fluff, the Doctor
calls his new companion Katrina. Maybe he’s thinking of the lead singer of the
UKs 1997 winning Eurovision Song Contest
entry.



- Dictionary Corner - Troy is, of course, the factual and legendary ancient city located in north-western Anatolia in what is modern day Turkey. Sadly, these days its more widely known as a name assumed by any wannabe male stripper or gay porn star who thinks that by changing their name from Keith it'll give them an increased air of masculinity and sex appeal. 

Score on the
TARDIS Doors - 7 - Donald Cotton is a
bit of a dream writer for actors. Undoubtedly it’s the characterisation of the
guest cast which makes this story rather special. Each camp, Grecian and
Trojan, is populated by its own respective dysfunctional family. Menelaus is
nothing short of a drunken old sot whose brotherly banter with Agamemnon is
wonderfully pithy (although he’s not so drunk that he can’t see Agamemnon’s
real reason for his continuation of the campaign - he wants control of Asia Minor
and the all-important trade routes through the Bosphorus); while Priam is the
put upon father who can’t quite hide the disappointment he feels in both of his
children - his son, Paris, who’s a cowardly, Wodehouse inspired, public
schoolboy type (his whispered shouts for Achilles on the plains of Troy
displays his yellow streak marvellously) and Cassandra, his highly strung party
pooper daughter. Through his creations, Cotton comments on the utter folly and
futility of war, effectively turning the build-up to a massacre of epic
proportions into nothing more than an episode of Bless This House. And it's all the more shocking for it. It’s interesting that the Doctor initially
dismisses the notion of the wooden horse as being an invention of Homer’s - setting
a story in myth rather than recorded history allows the script a much greater
freedom it would seem…it means the Doctor isn’t tied down by the whole ‘can’t
change history not one line’ business and that’s rather refreshing.

Oh for goodness sakes...they're still at it! And it looks as

though they're using tongues! Forget about getting them a

room, has anyone got a very large bucket of cold water

to hand?