…careful thou dost not ladder thine tights forsooth, tis…
The Crusade
In which Ian is
made a knight of a chocolatey, orangey biscuit with a spongy bottom; Barbara is
kidnapped and forced to become the new presenter of Jackanory; Vicki follows in the footsteps of Danny la Rue (albeit
in reverse) and the Doctor goes shoplifting…
- hmm - a story in which a foreign power occupies a Middle
Eastern country in the firm belief that it is quite entitled to do so. Now why
does that sound familiar I wonder? (Ooooh…political). Richard’s a bit pissed
off at what his brother John’s been getting up to back home while he’s been
away…well, maybe you should’ve spent a bit more time there dear, instead of
buggering off to a country which isn’t yours in an attempt to impose your way
of life on an indigenous population who have their own customs and beliefs and
who can manage perfectly well without your interference, thank you very much indeed!
- what on Earth is that noise the TARDIS makes as it comes in to land? It sounds like someone trying to tune in a radio channel in the pre-digital days (what makes it doubly strange is that when it
dematerialises at the end of the story we’re back to its usual ‘wheezing,
groaning’ sound). Up until this point in the show it’s either made the
traditional noise or been silent when coming or going, so god knows how they
managed to come up with an effect which sounds as if it should precede the Shipping Forecast.
- Ian’s going to regret wearing that anorak in this
Palestinian heat!
 |
| Vicki didn't really mind having to dress up as a boy; however she did object to the Doctor's insistence she shove a courgette down the front of her tights to complete the image. |
- why does the Doctor have to go looking for clothes? Is
there no TARDIS wardrobe at this point in its travels? Maybe there is but it’s only stocked
with the latest *ahem* hip and trendy
Sixties gear in deference to its two schoolteacher crewmates - although hip and
trendy in the world of Barbara and Ian means cardigans, cavalry-twill trousers,
Capri pants and the type of dresses
women across the country give to Oxfam when their grandmothers kick the
bucket. Perhaps Susan worked her way through all the tights before being left
behind with that wet Scottish bloke four stories ago. And showing the Doctor
shoplifting isn’t all that appropriate for the young audience watching, is it?
How many kids were sticking handfuls of pick n’ mix in their duffle coat pockets as they
went round Woolworths with their
mothers during the week that followed I wonder? Still, at least he does it
before the invention of security tags, otherwise alarm bells would be ringing
and we'd be watching him being forcibly led away by the elbows to the manager's office to await the arrival of the fuzz. There again, he does get fingered for the crime in
Episode Two.
- Saladin joins the swelling ranks of men who wouldn’t mind
getting Barbara ‘onto the back seat of their Ford Cortina’ as it were.
 |
| Barbara didn't quite understand why Sir William des Preaux had been so insistent Saphadin hadn't given her a pearl necklace as he'd originally intended. |
- Vicki becomes the first of only two people to drag up on
the show in its history. The second is the Doctor, in The Highlanders and The
Green Death (yeah, yeah, it’s two different actors I know, but it’s the
same character innit). Some might say I should add Kate O’Mara to this list, but
she doesn’t count. She just looks like a drag queen no matter what.
- at the beginning of The Knight of Jaffa, is the
chamberlain examining Vicki’s clothes with suspicion, or is he just thinking
that Victor has quite a bit going on up top for a boy? His reaction in The
Wheel of Fortune on being told to dress ‘Victor’ in the finest dresses
is a joy to behold - ‘a girl, dressed as a boy. Is nothing sacred’ he exclaims,
echoing the voices of the old guard in the 1960s. I wonder what he would’ve
thought of the Vauxhall Tavern?
 |
| Doctor Who: The Crusade - Episode Three. Erm... |
- the knighthood bestowed upon Ian by King Richard prompts
the Doctor to muse ‘I almost wish I’d got knighted too’, which of course is
exactly what happens on two occasions in his later lives, despite Vicki’s
‘That’ll be the day’ (which, might I just add fact fans, is also the title of a 1973 film featuring hunky pop sensation David
Essex and Doctor Who's very own gin queen, Deborah Watling). First of all he’s given the honour during his Fifth
incarnation by King John, although that doesn’t really count, as the King John
in question is actually a ropey shop window dummy, spray painted silver, who, in its
robotic form, moves about as quickly as a snail on Prozac. He has better luck during his Tenth persona of course when
Queen Victoria dubs him Sir Doctor of TARDIS (and his companion Dame Rose of Chav). However, it’s not all plain sailing then
either as straight after the ceremony she tells him to sod off and never darken
the doorstep of her Empire again. Ah well, you can’t have it all I suppose.
 |
| 'Blimey, I bet thou dost not get many of those to the pound, dost thou, my lady?' enquired the Doctor. |
- Barbara’s being pursued by a bunch of Saracens; although
what a lot of cloned blokes from ITV’s 1990s Saturday teatime hit Gladiators are doing in Twelfth Century
Palestine is anybody’s guess. What next? She rounds a corner only to come
face-to-face with half a dozen Wolf’s, or turns back on herself and bumps into
a couple of Rhino’s or an Ulrika Jonsson or two? What’s that I hear you cry?
It’s not that kind of Saracen that’s
after her? Ah, well…now it’s beginning to make sense.
- Haroun’s house would appear to contain a panic room!
- Extracts from Shakespeare’s recently discovered notes on
his (presumably) unwritten play The
History of King Richard the Lionheart or The Lion and the Sparrow:
Act
І, Scene І ~ ye goode shippe Tardif wit the doctour fromme beyonde
tiyme and hif sundrie companionf aboardeth doth come to reft in a foreft in ye
ungodlie kingdomme of Palestine in the year of our lourde elefen hundred and
ninetie~one. Nearbie, the King doth sporte wif some big birde (no, not hif
sister, the Ladie Joanna) and hif Knights (Yea, verilie I bet he doth!). Hif
partie is attacked by wicked Saracenf and the brave Fir William des Preaux doth
prentende to be ye sovereign, despite ye fact he if not a ginge, and if
takeneth prisoner. Mistresse Barbara if alfo stolen away by ye heathen soldiers…
Act ІІ ~ in whiche ye doctour
and hif remaining companionf are takeneth to ye courte of King Richard in
Jaffa, whereupon Vicki discovers ye joyes of transvefticism. Meanwhile, ye
gentlewoman Barbara if held captife by ye mightie Saladin at Ramlah, where she
admits she if not ye King’s fifter but a travelleur from anofer worlde.
Beliefing her to be a storyteller, Saladin haf her prepare to tell stories at
dinner. Planning to regaile her audienfe wif ye tailes of Catherine Cookson, Spot
ye Dog and Ye Webbe Planet (ye latter of whiche will be sure to send ye Mightie
Heafen to sleep), she is sadlie kidnapped by ye El Akir before she if able to
begin her stories…
Act ІІІ, Scene XXXVІІ
~ in whiche ye King and hif fifter do hafe a mightie barnie. Ye ladie Joanna
doth tell ye King, who if royally chucking hif toyf out of hif pram, in no uncertain terms that he can stycke hif planf to haf her
married to Saladin right up hif arfe…
Act
ІV, Scene XXІ ~ ye doctour if pursuede back to his ship by…it’s at
this point the synopsis abruptly ends with the words ‘bugger this for a game of
soldiers. No one’ll belief it. Maybe I’ll have a go at a comedie instead’.
 |
| Right! That was it! If Maimuna broke wind just once more in this enclosed space, Barbara was going to use the knife... |
- it’s interesting that Richard is depicted in the script as
being a short-tempered, spoilt and arrogant little shit, whilst his mortal
enemy, Saladin, comes across as reasoned, well-educated and honourable. So,
whilst we have a white actor blacked up to play the role (is he blaked up? It's hard to tell in black and white. He might just have a TOWIE type tan), at least the writing
does try to make up for that fact. All credit to Bernard Kay for not attempting
to put on a funny accent or ridiculous mannerisms...or indeed for bursting into a verse and chorus of "Swanee".
- ‘The only pleasure left for you is death. And death is very
far away’ taunts El Akir to a defiant looking Barbara (if she sticks her chin out any more someone's going to trip over it). ‘Oh yes indeedy’, he goes on to
say in dialogue that for some reason doesn’t appear to have made it onto the
screen ‘First, there’s a pile of dishes that need doing...and I’ve no clean
pants. The stables need mucking out, the front door could do with a lick of
paint, me socks need darning, the place needs hoovering from top to bottom, I’m
out of fags, and the harem needs a good going over with the nit-comb’. Poor
Babs!
 |
| If the Brigadier were here he'd no doubt swear this was Cromer. |
- Fatima, Maimuna and Hafsa - aren’t they the three girls
from the Sugababes? And is it wrong of me to expect Austin Powers to pop up at any moment in the harem?
- The History Bit - so,
were Richard and Joanna “keeping it in the family” as it were? The answer, of
course is - very possibly…but not in Doctor
Who. In fact, if reports are to be believed, William Hartnell nearly shat
himself when he found out Douggie Camfield was interested in making their "relationship" much more obvious (although a four-poster bed and an ottoman full of sex toys was perhaps overdoing it somewhat).
Nevertheless, neither the King nor his sister are afraid of close physical
contact, if the surviving episode they appear in together and the telesnaps for
the missing second episode are anything to go by. In fact, in The
Knight of Jaffa, Richard makes sure he gets a good eyeful of the
present Saphadin sent her - a whacking great pendant which just happens to be
resting right between her norks (who knows, if the episode ever gets animated full-on groin bashing might be included). Historically, Joanna was married to King
William II of Sicily. On his death his uncle, Tancred, seized control of Sicily
and kept Joanna a virtual prisoner in a palace in Palermo. Along comes Dick,
who just happens to be launching his Third Crusade from Sicily. He rescues his
sister, forces Tancred to restore her inheritance and then enlists her as a
companion to his wife, Berengaria, who’s going on the trip with him (notice she
doesn’t feature amongst the cast). So if he was knocking off both his wife and
sister then he’s having his cake and eating it. After their sojourn in the Holy
Land, Joanna married Count Raymond VI of Toulouse, but he was a bit of a git
and two years later, whilst pregnant with his child she fled after he accused
her of scheming with some rebellious lords. She spent her last days at
Fontevraud Abbey, where she took up the veil and in due course gave birth, dying a
day later. She named the baby Richard. Yup…they were definitely "at it".
 |
| The Chamberlain just wished somebody would hurry up and invent the RAF just so that his moustache would finally fit in. |
- Death-o-Meter: 88. Reynier de Marun - killed by
an arrow in the chest during the Saracen attack on King Richard’s retinue.
Suitable gurgling noises are emitted by the actor in question you’ll be pleased
to hear; 89. Saracen -
speared by Sir William du Toblerone, who proves he would’ve made an excellent
darts player. In fact, he would’ve been sure to have gone home with the star
prize (either a speedboat or a caravan) on Bullseye; 90. Guard on El Akir’s Palace -
knifed by Haroun, who’s doing the whole Charles Bronson “Death Wish” bit; 91. El
Akir - again, knifed by Haroun (who, by the way, sounds just like
Professor Yaffle from Bagpuss).
(The brothers de la Table [the Table brothers? First names
Coffee and Dining?] are killed in the opening ambush according to Dick the
Lion, but we don’t see either happen on screen. There’s quite a bit of ambiguity
over death in this story - for instance, it’s unclear if Haroun merely knocks
out the guards chasing Barbara through the streets of Lydda or despatches them
somewhat more permanently. Similarly, do the other girls in the seraglio kill
Fatima for her betrayal, or merely wrestle her to the ground and give her a bit
of a slap? If it's the latter, then I’m sure some gentlemen in the audience would’ve
been quite interested in actually seeing that - more so if baby oil and semi-nakedness had been involved! (It certainly provides yet further scope for any future animators to beef the story up a bit).
Score on the
TARDIS Doors - 8 - good…BUT, it all feels a bit insubstantial
and off-key. The Doctor, in particular, has hardly any impact on the plot. And
what he is given to do doesn’t feel quite right. His siding with Richard over
his peace plan to marry off Joanna to Saphadin in the face of Leicester’s
vehement opposition, for example - knowing full well the plan is doomed never
to get off the ground - seems a bit cruel and misguided, as are his
reassurances that the King will see
Jerusalem again. Has he forgotten the warning he gave Barbara in The Aztecs last season? More
importantly, has David Whitaker? Surely the Doctor should be keeping his big gob shut just so there’s no danger of his interference changing history. 'Loose lips sink ships' and all that. Surely giving the King hope might just provide the incentive needed for him to redouble his efforts...with the result that the whole of future history could change. And if the course of established
history is unchangeable, then why did the
Doctor bother to lecture his companion in Mexico? As it stands, his words to the King sound like a rather nasty and petulant
taunt. This dilemma is ultimately why the historicals will have to change (Dennis Spooner’s already working on that, as we’ll see in The Time Meddler) and why the days of the pure historical are
already numbered. Generally in this story, it feels as if the TARDIS has landed on a giant
chessboard upon which its crew spend their whole time on the edges looking on
as the two King’s vie for supreme position over the board. They interact with
the pieces, whether it be with the nobles in each leaders’ court or with the
pawns whose lives have been affected by those in power, or with those pieces
who attempt to use the time travellers as a means to an end (such as Ferrigo who offers to kidnap Barbara in exchange for an audience with Saladin and his
brother...all so he can try and rid himself of his surplus stock), but unlike,
say, Autloc in The Aztecs, these
characters lives do not change as a result of their interactions with the
Doctor and his companions. The only person who actually gains anything from a meeting
with one of them is Maimuna who's finally reunited with her father, but there again, you feel as if
that reconciliation may have happened anyway as Haroun was on the verge of
cracking and attacking El Akir before Barbara stumbled into his life. Nevertheless, despite not having one of the most expansive or original plots, it is beautifully written and very
engaging, if just for the fact that it's so detailed and populated with such interesting
three-dimensional characters. Douglas Camfield - taking on a whole
story here after sharing the director’s credit with Mervyn Pinfield on Planet of Giants - makes an immediate
impression right from the outset. You really feel as if he has something very special to offer the show. Camfield’s care and attention to
detail are his trademarks, and this story is the loadstone on which rests the
standard for all future stories helmed by him. Because of this there are times I wished this story could've been a six-parter - the rescue of Barbara is bit by-the-numbers and rushed, for example, and the script is in danger of becoming somewhat disjointed in the final episode with the sudden introduction of the witchcraft
element. In the end it’s the performances that make
this story something very special.
(Below: The recently discovered, never known to have existed before, pre-titles sequence to The Crusade...)
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