…don’t worry, I’m sure the Doctor, Steven and Vicki will be
along in a minute to sort it all out, it’s…
Mission to the Unknown
In which the show
is hijacked by people we’ve never seen before (and never will again), buggering
about in a jungle whilst trying to get their tape recorder working…
- oh look, another jungle and its miles better than the one
on Mechanus. It has gibbons in it by the sounds of it.
- ‘I must kill! I must kill!’ insists Garvey. Gosh, that
seems a bit hardcore. And unlike, say, the Oods apparent threat at the
beginning of The Impossible Planet,
he doesn’t go on to finish his sentence with ‘…some time down the gym before I
return to the safety of my nice cosy rocket ship’ (for example). Indeedy no. This man has
murder in mind. God help the Doctor, Steven and Vicki when they land and bump
into him. I mean, it’s inevitable that's going to happen…isn’t it?
 |
| Verity was taken completely by surprise when not one, but five strippagrams turned up at her farewell shindig! She just hoped there was going to be enough baby oil to go round... |
- the incidental music is a bit too Pathfinders in Space for my liking. I’m telling you now, if Jeff
Garvey suddenly whips out a guinea pig from out of his pocket I’m skipping straight to
the plains of Troy.
- just what does
live in that jungle? Something screeches very loudly and puts the fear of god
up Marc Cory. ‘I hate to think what kind of animal makes a noise like that’ -
well, the only thing I can think it might be is Roslyn de Winter’s Grey Lady from The Chase. I haven’t watched this in
yonks and it gave me a bit of a start too. In fact I’m going to have to pause
for a moment to mop up spilt Peroni.
- Lowery asks Cory to pass him first the wrench and then a
screwdriver - are they supposed to be mending a spaceship or putting up shelves.
They’re making one hell of a racket.
- ‘Flare-back melted the retaining bolts - it's just solid
lumps of Tarnium’ reports Lowery. Anyone spot anything suspicious in this sentence. Yes, that’s right. When Terry Nation has to come up with an element
vital to the central plot of his upcoming magnum
opus - The Daleks’ Master Plan
(of which he could only be arsed to write half) - instead of really putting his
mind to it and coming up with something completely new and ever so impressive,
he just shoves an “a” in Tarnium, and hey presto job done. Lazy git.
- they are going to land soon, aren’t they? Aren’t they?
- Cory’s a typical posturing Nation cliché.
- ‘Space Security Service - licensed to kill!’ Oh fuck’s sake
(*rolls eyes*). Still let’s face it,
this is the closest Terry’s ever going to get to writing for James Bond. Cubby
Broccoli isn’t as desperate as Verity Lambert.
- ‘The Daleks invaded Earth a thousand years ago’ says
Lowery, as Terry gets his facts wrong once again! Surely it’s more like two
thousand years ago if this is supposed to be 4000…unless Tel’s angling to be
commissioned to write a sequel to the The Dalek Invasion of Earth of course. I can just imagine it - The Dalek Invasion of Earth 2! The tag
line could read “This time, it really is quite serious you know”.
- exposition, exposition…
- Garvey’s transformation really is quite horrible. Surely
this is one of the very first instances of body horror in the show, if not the first. I suppose the concept of the
Robomen touched upon it, but this is the first time someone has transformed into a creature that’s completely inhuman. Mind you, he does now look like a giant cotton
bud.
- Technobollocks - a Vergometer is apparently something which needs to be working properly in order for radio broadcasts to break through the atmosphere when trying to contact an orbiting spaceship
from any given planetary surface. First I’ve heard of it!
- ‘This is the most hostile planet in the universe!’ Clearly
Cory never had to endure a night out in the suburbs of Liverpool circa 1988.
- ‘I just asked for a couple of men and a small rocket’ says
Cory and indeed that’d probably be enough to keep me occupied for an hour or
two, too (you must understand this is only one episode long and I’m trying to
fill up space. Still, the Doctor Steven and Vicki should be along soon).
 |
| A Varga plant - you wouldn't want to clean your ears out with one of these, would you! |
- Varga Plant - it
sounds as though its prick (if you’ll forgive the expression) turns you into a
Dalek in vegetable form, what with all rational thought being replaced by an
overwhelming desire to kill, and all that. One minute ‘they grow naturally on
Skaro’ yet five minutes later we’re told they’re synthetic and ‘developed in
Dalek laboratories’ for the express purpose of providing protection. Come on
Terry love, which is it to be? Unless they were created in the labs and then
let loose on nature to get on with it. Still, good job those pansy Thals
didn’t bump into any in The Daleks.
Whatever, they certainly do appear to be remarkably effective at dealing with
unwanted intruders. Makes the Slyther seem a bit redundant, doesn’t it. ‘They
use their roots to drag themselves along’ apparently - erm…has anyone told John
Wyndham's estate this? Oh, and by the time we get to The Daleks’ Master Plan everyone seems to have forgotten all about
them, apart from a quick mention and a fleeting appearance in The
Nightmare Begins.
- ‘If the Vargas are here, the Daleks are too’. And hey
presto, as if on cue…it’s the Daleks! They’re getting ready for a conference by
the looks of it - making sure everyone’s got a working pen and some scrap paper
for note taking, providing carafes of mineral water and a tumbler each, checking that
the overhead projector for that all important presentation is working…that sort
of thing.
 |
| The original design for the Varga planet, which was considered unsuitable for some reason. Can't think why... |
- a tape recorder? In the year 4000? Even the script editor
should’ve picked up on that one. Is everybody still too hung over from Verity’s
leaving party to notice I wonder?
- the planet Gearon. It’s like an expression the soon to be
unleashed Dodo might use in conversation - ‘Hey Doctor, I’ve been having a look
in the wardrobe and put some fab new gear on’.
- the Daleks destroy the scout ship - *cough*
Planet of the Daleks anyone?
- Delegates - Malpha
looks a bit like Pinhead from Hellraiser
(at least he does after this amount
of alcohol). As for the others…well, let’s face it, no one’s really got a clue
as to who’s who anymore. You might as well just pull a name randomly from a hat and
then stick a pin in a photograph of them all assembled together, and go with
it. One of ‘em sounds like Fozzie Bear when he says ‘Agreed’, while another, saying
the same word, sounds suspiciously as though he’s taking the piss out of the Daleks.
Yet they don’t exterminate him. They’ve clearly gone soft. Another of the delegates looks like a Christmas tree and one (played by Roy Evans
if I’m not mistaken) looks as though he’s got shingles. One more appears to
be got up in a deep sea divers outfit. Is it Jacques Cousteau? While yet another
(seen much more clearly in The Daleks’
Master Plan: Day of Armageddon)
looks like a rubber nun.
- Marc Cory overhears that the Daleks are planning to invade
the whole galaxy. Well, I say
“overhears”. The Daleks kindly announce their plans over the loudspeaker
system. Will they never learn *sigh*?
- ‘Destroy and exterminate!’? Come on lads which is it to be?
- Death-O-Meter: 136. Garvey - shot by Cory. Mind, he’d been pricked by a Varga
thorn (how nice of the Daleks to name their killer plants after the leader of
the Ice Warriors). However, this doesn’t stop his transformation. Neither does
it stop the plant he’s turned into from going after his colleagues.
Nevertheless, Garvey as a person is no more so he makes the list; 137. Gordon Lowery - the same as
Garvey really...big prick, transformation, shot by Cory, blah, blah, blah; 138. Marc Cory - well, there are
Daleks about…so it’s hardly going to be death by natural causes.
- ‘Victory! Victory! Victory!’ the Daleks chant in
celebration - someone really should’ve thought about getting a bottle of Asti so they could’ve mark the occasion
properly.
- the Doctor, Steven and Vicki really are cutting it a bit
fi- oh it’s over…
Score on the
TARDIS Doors - 8 - a great teaser
episode. Tight and well-paced, it’s also very adult, gritty sci-fi - at last!
So for that reason alone it’s a bit of a pity that none of the regulars appear in
it…still there’s plenty more to come for them to get stuck into (in about a month's time). You get a
sneaky suspicion Terry prefers writing this sort of thing without having
to include the TARDIS crew…no surprise then that he’ll soon be sticking the
Daleks in a suitcase and trying to flog them to America. This marks the first
time we’ve seen the Daleks in collusion with other races, so their plans really
must be big this time! Though how long any alliance will last is up for debate. Apart from that...well, back in the real world it's 1965 and on 8th March the US ground offensive began in Vietnam. From that point on platoons of soldiers would increasingly find themselves practically marooned in unfamiliar surroundings caught up in uncomprehendingly ferocious jungle warfare. Sound familiar? Terry had clearly been reading the newspapers.
 |
| Donna Noble wasn't the only one who couldn't point to Germany on a map...! |
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