…not so much a long trek through ancient Cathay as a
protracted mince across Lime Grove Studio D, it’s…
Marco Polo
In which Ian
finds bromance; Susan a new friend; Barbara’s happy in history; and everyone
learns to leave the tent flaps open after the Doctor’s been eating beansprout
soup…
 |
| Oh no! The Doctor had made the ultimate dinner party faux pas...he was drinking from the finger bowl! |
- after the very pedestrian and plainly descriptive episode
titles of The Daleks it’s lovely to
get something a little more lyrical with this story. Indeed, each sounds like a chapter title from some exciting boys own adventure novel...very in
keeping with the overall style of the piece.
- it’s the Himalayas! Cue lots of “Gosh, it’s rather cold
outside, isn’t it” acting, though once again it’s the Doctor that appears to be least resilient to the adverse conditions. He
really is just your average old man for all the otherworldliness that’s been
built up around him. Mind you, he does exit the ship without a coat! He also
says he can’t see anything without his glasses - blimey, it sounds as though
he’s ready to regenerate around about now, not in over two dozen stories time (the Doctor as we’re seeing him in his first incarnation wouldn’t look out of
place amongst the society of Time Lords as seen in The Deadly Assassin)! Meanwhile, on seeing some very Earth-like,
vaguely familiar looking mountains, Ian and Barbara start planning to get the
first Pan Am back to Blighty.
 |
| While the rest of the party die of thirst back in the depths of the Gobi Desert, Tegana makes it to the oasis and empties the shelves of mineral water. Boo! Hiss! etc... |
- oh dear, before you can say “Anyone got a carrot for the
snowman’s nose” the cranky Doctor’s back…and so soon! Didn’t take long did it -
about thirty seconds by my reckoning, though admittedly it does come across as
cranky rather than just plain malicious…for a change. And the possibility of
them all freezing to death is a fairly good reason to be snappy, I suppose. At
least his irritation is because he’s worried for all their safety this time, not just his own and Susan’s. From this
moment on we see his anger is more focused on his own frustrations and
shortcomings at not having an answer or an instant solution when in a tight
spot rather than a spiteful diatribe against those he’s
travelling with.
- Ian’s not bothered by the lack of water; as he points out
‘…there’s lots of snow’. Just be careful of the yellow variety, dear.
- the general consensus amongst the TARDIS crew is that they
could freeze to death. Um…isn’t everyone forgetting about the resources the
TARDIS has to offer? Surely it’s got blankets or sleeping bags or some sort of
space-agey electricity free warming device-thingy? It’s amazing that such
things are conveniently overlooked and never
referred to when the script all too obviously calls for such things to be
absent, and it has the effect of making the ship feel as though it’s actually
smaller on the inside than the out. If they have
to start a fire then why not take an axe to the crap that’s littering the
control room - there was a wooden chair in there last episode, that’d be a good start.
 |
| Marco Polo's caravan. Tidy! |
- enter Marco Polo and his entourage (erm…that’s not an
instruction) and the quality of the production instantly soars, so much so that
even William Hartnell feels comfortable enough to start remembering his lines!
All together now - “Ooooh look, it’s Sandra from Space 1999…doesn’t she look young!” And Mark Eden of course is best
known as the man who tried (and some might say unfortunately failed) to bump
off Rita Fairclough in Coronation Street
before getting splattered all over the seafront by a Blackpool tram. Respect!
While Derren Nesbitt was the eminently shaggable Nazi in Where Eagles Dare.
 |
| Ping-Cho, pictured yesterday. Blimey! She's let herself go a bit! |
- Susan uses Sixties slang for the first time. ‘Crazy’ and
‘Dig it’ are both employed during the course of her conversation with Ping-Cho
in The
Roof of the World, and ‘Fab’ is ‘a word we often use on Earth’ she
claims. Is it? Maybe being with someone of her own age to whom she can relate
(unlike her classmates at Coal Hill who just seemed to take the piss out of her
all the time) allows her to be a bit more relaxed, more herself. And with her
new friend being less experienced, Susan’s in a position of being looked up to
for the very first time. She’s suddenly the cool kid and perhaps feels the need
to act in a more grown up and "cool" manner, just like the more “with-it” girls in her
class. Certainly this is the most human-like and relaxed her language has ever
been.
- the first episodes big shocker is of course Marco’s
revelation that he intends to buy his freedom from the Khan’s service by giving him the TARDIS as a sweetener. His excuse for such an action? He misses
home, which he hasn’t seen for eighteen years. What an utter sod. Mind you, I suppose
a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates from the local petrol station would look
a bit cheap compared to a magical blue box that flies through the air. Nevertheless,
the fact that he’s willing to believe in a flying caravan, without any kind of
proof or demonstration of its abilities, is a pretty big indication of how
desperate he is to get home, to the point where perhaps all reasoning has gone
out of the window (he never gets to see inside it - certainly not on screen). This acceptance also gives us some idea of the incredible sights and wonders he must have
witnessed over the course of his long, and many and varied, travels.
- after falling in with Marco Polo’s caravan, Barbara and Ian
make the journey to Lop in their regular clothes, the only concession to the
culture they find themselves in the midst of being a couple of coolie hats.
This makes me think that they’re the types to ask for cutlery in a Chinese
restaurant.
- the animated map that traces their travels has a
whiff of the Dad’s Army opening titles about it. I even found
myself whistling the theme tune on a couple of occasions. Whilst
innovative, it sadly does look rather plain. Instead of little illustrations highlighting their stopping off points (as in the Loose Canon reconstruction) - you know, a nice pagoda or two, a
suitably desert-y looking desert, a couple of giant pandas attempting to have
sex, that sort of thing - we just get marker points that connect up as they
journey from one destination to another (a bit like join the dots).
- I bet it’s neither Ian’s nor Barbara’s first time in a
caravan. They both look the type.
 |
| [left] Tracy Island superhero, Scott; [right] Mongol Warlord and all-round git, Tegana. |
- with regards to the way stations they pass through ‘The
Khan has them dotted at regular intervals throughout his domain’ - so they’re a
sort of Thirteenth Century version of Watford Gap motorway service station
combined with a Travel Lodge.
- Tegana’s wonderfully slippery (like an eel covered in baby
oil) - an Iago figure, constantly dripping poison into Marco’s ear. Marco, on
the other hand, is humourless and sullen. As Iris Wildthyme would no doubt say, he really needs to get that stick from up his arse, have a gin and
tonic, perhaps an optional foot spa, and relax!
- ‘The journey across this vast ocean of sand is slow and
dangerous’ writes Marco in his journal as they cross the Gobi Desert. Slow
because any quicker and they’re likely to bump into the studio wall, and
hazardous because of all the camera cables strewn across the floor.
- Billy gets to spend the majority of The Singing Sands in the
canteen.
- in order to survive after Tegana’s spot of sabotage with
the water supply, they find themselves having to mop up the condensation off
the inside of the TARDIS walls, which they then squeeze into a jug - I just
hope they don’t use the flannel the Doctor’s been washing his bits with for the job!
 |
| The audience had been absolutely captivated by Ping- Cho's recital...although the Doctor had been hoping she'd round it off by doing that trick with the ping pong ball! |
- on arrival at Lop, Ping-Cho is persuaded to put on a bit of
a show, although she needs time to prepare first…find herself a nice frock to
wear, work out any script problems with the director and negotiate a contract
that gives her exclusive rights to any possible Big Finish spin-offs, no doubt. Zienia Merton teaches the regular’s
a valuable lesson - learn your bloody lines! It’s really not that difficult! Apparently
this was her first TV job and yet she puts them all to shame - each of them has stumbled over their words at some point during the first four stories.
- ‘I’m not afraid of ghosts’ declares the Doctor when Tegana
tells him the Cave of Five Hundred Eyes is haunted by spirits of the
Hashashins. Is he deliberately quoting Ghostbusters I wonder?
- Marco mentions the Yellow River when he’s detailing the
route they will take to Shang-Tu. Tragically, the only thing that springs
immediately to my mind is the 1970 number one hit by Christie.
- on arrival at Cheng-Ting (which is also known as the White
City…even though it’s nowhere near Shepherd’s Bush) we’re introduced to the
wonderfully outrageous Wang-Lo, the way-station manager (imagine a castrated
Christopher Biggins in the Celestial Toymaker’s costume).
- Susan and Ping-Cho look at the fish in the way station’s
courtyard pond and point out their friends look-alikes. ‘And where are you,
Ping-Cho?’ wonders Susan after they’ve identified everyone else’s doppelganger.
Well, considering what she’s on her way to, it’s probably the small frightened
one at the bottom being humped by the big, fat, ugly old carp.
- the Khan could do with cutting his fingernails!
- Marco discloses that there are going to be six thousand
guests at the banquet in honour of Ping-Cho’s soon to be husband! That’s a
bugger of a seating plan. Though I notice there’s no real evidence of this vast
feast taking place - not even the odd waitress frantically sponging off the
dollop of dried on gravy she spilt on her uniform during the last function she
worked on.
- so, the Doctor loses the TARDIS to the Khan in a game of
backgammon! The TARDIS is now, without any doubt, no longer his. Could this
really be the end of their wanderings? No, of course not. It’s only 1964! But
if the series had finished with this
story I suppose it’s as good a point as any to wrap it all up. In a way the
time travellers could all settle down and fit in quite easily here - the Doctor
would gain the patronage of the Khan and continue his scientific investigations
in one way or another, Susan’s friendship with Ping-Cho would mean that she’d gradually integrate more and more into Cathay society until she too met her ideal
match, while Ian and Barbara would undoubtedly settle down in the country
somewhere in a smallholding secured for them through the Doctor’s friendship
with the Khan, where they could flex their teaching muscles on
the locals...and probably have a couple of kids.
- Cry Watch - ‘I had to
give them back their flying caravan’ explains a somewhat downbeat Marco at the
end of Assassin at Peking. It’s a bit like setting free a rescued
animal that you’ve grown incredibly fond of…you do it because it’s the best
thing for them, even though it pains you to let them go. This last scene is
like coming to the end of a good book - on the one hand you’re pleased it’s
reached a satisfying conclusion, but on the other you’re sad to bid farewell to
characters you’ve invested so much time and emotional effort in. ‘And it is
true - a flying caravan. There's something for you to tell your friends in
Venice’ are the Khan’s final, unfussy, words…with which he makes it quite clear
that not only is Marco forgiven for returning the magical box to its
rightful owner, but that he is at last giving the famous traveller his freedom.
It’s so understated and so beautiful.
- I suppose we should be grateful Doctor Who Adventures wasn’t around in 1964, otherwise we’d have
got endless bloody free notepads with “Marco Polo’s Journal” stencilled (badly)
on the front cover every other bloody week, accompanied by a Tegana rubber and
Ping-Cho ruler.
- Death-O-Meter: 15. Malik - killed by his ally
Tegana, who’s desperate to avoid exposure as a baddie. Ha! Some friend. I’d
definitely strike him off my Christmas card list; 16. Guard - discovered already dead by Ian, though it
doesn’t take a genius to hazard a guess as to who actually (and quite
literally) stuck the knife in *cough*
Tegana *cough*; 17. Acomat - another of Tegana’s associates and victims, killed by the man himself
in order to cover his tracks. Bloody hell, the Warlord can’t have many friends
left to go down the pub with at this rate; 18.
Kuiju (wasn’t that the name of the mad St. Bernard in the Stephen
King novel?) - run through with a sword whilst trying to escape, though
amazingly not by Tegana but one of the warriors accompanying Ling-Tau. That
poor little (pooping) monkey’s an orphan now I hope you all realise!; 19. Vizier (who's a dead ringer for Peter Ustinov) - killed by Tegana
(no surprises there then) whilst trying to protect the Khan; 20. Tegana - impales himself on
a guards sword when he realises he’s failed in his mission to kill the Khan, at
which every other character no doubt exhales a sigh of relief, safe in the
knowledge they’re not going to get his length run up them!
- Extracts from The Secret Diary of Marco Polo Aged 35¼ - 23rd April 1289: Crossing the Himalayas we came across a bunch of stranded travellers
whose caravan had broken down. There was an old man, two chicks and a younger
bloke called Ian. He’s F.I.T ♥. 24th April 1289: Decided to take the stranded party along with me to Peking.
Just realised I forgot to buy the great Khan a present, so the old bloke’s blue
caravan will do nicely, though when I told him this he went absolutely bloody
mental! Oh well. Ian took the news quite well considering. That’s definite
then. He fancies me. Swoon! *Note to self* - buy wrapping paper. 14th May 1289: Challenged
Ian to another game of chess. What I really wanted to do was get oiled up and
suggest a spot of wrestling. Ping-Cho seems to be making more headway with
Susan than I am of Ian. I’m sure they’re lezzing it up in their tent. *Note
to self* - separate them. 15th May 1289: Woke up at 4 a.m. after having a dream about wrestling Ian.
My sleeping mat was a bit wet so I had to get up and give it a quick rinse in the
horses drinking trough. 1st August 1289: Measured my “thing”. Normally it’s only a couple of inches
long, but whenever I think of Ian it nearly goes off the end of the measuring
stick! Peking tomorrow… 3rd August 1289: Bloody hell! They’ve gone!! And not so much as a peck on the
cheek from Ian. Bastard. Before he left, the Doctor told me that one day my
diaries will be published by penguin and would I mind not mentioning either him
or his companions. Fair enough. Although quite why a large flightless bird
would be interested in my scribbling’s in the first place is beyond me. Off for
a wank…
Score on the
TARDIS Doors - 8 - Doctor Who’s answer to Lawrence of Arabia. It’s epic, well
written and sumptuous. ‘I wonder where they are now? The past or the future?’
muses Polo once the TARDIS has faded from sight, in a moment that feels very
much like the epilogue of a novel. It serves to place the Doctor and his
companions firmly as characters in what has been very much Marco's own story, a
story in which he’s acted as narrator throughout. It’s the most fictionalised the
TARDIS crew have ever felt and serves to give them a kind of mythos, a bit like
the “fire and ice” speech in Human
Nature. In this story we’ve seen them through someone else’s eyes and it’s
made me for one realise just how extraordinary they really are and how lucky we
all are to be able to follow them on their travels every week.
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