…DO NOT TOUCH, it’s…
The Space Museum
In which the
Doctor almost gets a good stuffing (I wonder which end the sawdust would go
in?) while Vicki thinks she’s Che Guevara…
- good heavens! Ian’s actually wearing a jacket that’s
bordering on the trendy. On the other hand, Vicki looks as though she’s on her way to being
baptised (or sacrificed). I mean, I know the script is trying to emphasise her
youthfulness (in line with the main theme of the story - that of the younger
generation rebelling against the old guard) but did they have to stick her in
something which makes her look so bloody virginal (her socks are remarkably good at
staying up...are they glued to her calves)? She might as well be wearing a sandwich board with a declaration scribbled across the front - signed by a medical professional - stating her hymen's still intact. Barbara’s
option of cardigan and sandals seem positively at the cutting edge of fashion
in comparison. We actually get to see the wardrobe for the first time in this
story. And it’s not very impressive. It’s no wonder they all dress so
hideously. It’s door would appear to have come straight off the spaceship in The Sensorites.
- 'Doctor, we've got our clothes on' exclaims Ian, which, for any newcomers to the series, makes it sound as though they normally bomb around the universe in the nip.
- the eponymous space museum itself looks like a two-tiered
Dundee cake (and not one of Mary Berry’s I hasten to add) surrounded by various
own brand washing up liquid bottles and margarine tubs masquerading as state of the art space paraphernalia. The roof of the building would appear to be corrugated -
how very high-tech - and perched atop the “second layer” is a rather garish
satellite dish, the likes of which used to adorn the outer façades of council
high rises before the invention of set-top boxes. And the exhibits within are
far from impressive. Generally it’s just generic 50s looking retro tat that
could’ve been found in a skip outside any old closed down factory (just inside
the main doors are a couple of manikins which look as though they have saucepans on their
heads, while next to the exhibit of the Dalek is what appears to be the engine from a Mini Cooper). Oh yes, and while we're at it, are you seriously trying to tell me the Moroks defeated the Daleks? I suspect
they just found an empty shell in a junk shop somewhere and bought it for a
fiver thinking it’d impress visitors? The place also appears to be awash with Sensorite
“coffee tables”.
- there’s ‘dust everywhere’ points out Ian. I suppose the Moroks are too
butch to run a duster round.
 |
| Taking a bite out of the pizza she'd just served up, Ian realised Barbara's cooking was getting worse! Thank god she went like the clappers in bed, otherwise he's be casting around for a new lady-friend. |
- Ian wonders why they aren’t leaving any footprints behind
them. It’s because the entire surface of Xeros would appear to be carpeted,
that’s why. Sadly, when they approach the space museum itself, the designer’s
forgotten all about this and strewn the floor with faux sand, meaning the
TARDIS crew suddenly start leaving footprints galore. Oops!
- there’s not a sound to be heard apparently! ‘Silence will fa-‘…oh,
shut up, Ion!
- Moroks - middle-aged
blokes with paunches having a mid-life crisis...who dress like dentists. They also sport duck's arse hairstyles, which appear to have highlights in them (I wonder if they went for the tinfoil technique or the full
on rubber cap over the head, with strands of hair being pulled through with a metal hook method? Whatever, the resultant quiff gives them the look of Elsie Tanner). Their overall appearance is of gone-to-seed
Teddy boys...although their tabards also give them a whiff of dinner
ladies. They’re nothing more than a male version of the Drahvins, except that
they’re so crap not even twenty-first century Who would dare give them a mention. A bunch of slightly
over-the-hill blokes sharing their world with a group of just about legal age
boys is also the perfect scenario for a slightly dodgy porn film.
 |
| Mommie dearest? Who'd have believed that Hollywood legend and parent of the year, Joan Crawford, could've given birth to the pubeless wonders of the planet Xeros! Yet the family resemblance is there for all to see. |
- Xerons - who thought
giving them two sets of eyebrows would be a good idea (although I think they're only supposed to have the one set...it's just that the make-up department has done a bit of a rubbish job at covering up the actor's own. And I suppose none of the poor buggers playing Xerons were willing to go as far as shaving them off. And who can blame them. This was the Sixties. There were discotheques to go to and chicks to pull. You couldn't do that without eyebrows)? It just makes them
look permanently surprised. And I see
side partings are in amongst alien cultures this year (whichever year it might
happen to be…much like the script, Glynn Jones doesn’t appear to have given it
much thought). Obviously the budget ran out by the time the costume
department got their mitts on them as they’re the only alien race we’ve met (so far) that’ve
been dressed from head to foot by Man at C&A - they’re all wearing the same kit (which must surely have maxed their
store cards out). Maybe there was a 2-4-1 offer on black trousers and matching
sweaters (the latter of which they appear to be wearing inside out). They also
wear slip-ons, apart from Tor, who sports fashionable Tenth Doctor stylee
plimsolls (a sure sign of leadership*) When they TARDIS crew first encounter
them, they can’t hear a word they’re saying, coz of all the time track cobblers
going on. Ian suggests they communicate over a very high frequency, perhaps
because they’re so young he suspects their balls haven’t dropped yet? They also
display worrying amounts of hand-on-hip acting. We learn they’re slaves, which means
they probably run the gift shop and polish the floors with those great big
industrial floor cleaning machines.
(* denotes heavy sarcasm)
 |
| The TARDIS crew decide to re-enact the legend of the Minotaur in the Labyrinth; however, everyone was of the opinion that in this case it was the story of the Space Museum itself which was a pile of bull. |
- the fact that Episode Two’s title is almost exactly the
same as that of a certain notorious Children
in Need Doctor Who "special" surely can’t have helped its reputation over the
years.
- the Moroks could easily deal with the rebels, along with
any other unwanted intruders, if they'd just bothered to install security cameras!
- the Doctor's just been grabbed by the Xerons! Nasty! No wonder he has to have next week off.
- I’m almost tempted to put Barbara’s cardy on the Death-o-Meter
list. That’s no way to treat woollen wear! However, no one seems to realise
that in destroying it they have indeed changed the future - the Barbara in the
glass case was still wearing hers remember!
 |
| The Doctor's caught out by Governor Lobos's "mind television" as he thinks fondly of Barbara. |
- I’m sorry, but if I was sitting in the Governor’s magic
chair instead of the Doctor, his television screen would be displaying an image
of a large ham followed by a huge pile of cow shit!
- ‘Why don’t we do something’ says Barbara at the start of The
Search. Took the words right out of my mouth. It’s not that things
don’t start to happen, it’s just that as soon as they do, someone else comes
along and tells them to stop doing it! In Episode Four for example, the Moroks
attempt to break into the TARDIS, until the Morok Commander swaggers in like
Errol Flynn with sciatica, and puts a stop to it just so's the person operating
the machinery can go and stand next to a door…which is only two foot away
anyway. Why couldn’t he do both? Do they have really bad peripheral vision? Even the TARDIS crew are crippled by
indecision. The Doctor’s afraid of making a move just in case it’s what leads
them to their glass cases, while, when he goes missing, Ian and Barbara are
similarly vacillating as to what they should be doing to find him. Only Vicki,
who represents the optimism of youth as opposed to the ennui of experience, has
any gumption. It’s a particularly strong story for her.
 |
| Vicki felt somewhat affronted when Tor asked her if she'd like to hold his weapon. |
- so, Vicki has at last fallen in with the rebels. With them
being nothing but a bunch of hormonal kids the first thing I expected them to do
was ask her to take her top off, but no, instead they take her back to Rebel HQ for what looks like a beaker of milk and some gingerbread. Ah, nice! It’s
interesting seeing Vicki juxtaposed alongside people her own age for a change
(for what it’s worth). It means she acts in a far more adult way. In fact
looking back over her journey so far she’s lost most of the annoying excesses she
displayed in certain past stories and appears to be developing into quite a
mature and level-headed young woman. Anyhoo, over their snack, she decides to
start a revolution and determines to raid the armoury. It’s guarded by a
machine. One so dull it makes Marvin the Paranoid Android sound positively
excitable. It’s also crap. All Vicki has to do is fiddle with its innards a bit
and ask “Can I have some guns please”, and its dishing them out as keenly as those blokes who
distribute free newspapers at railway stations. If only cashpoints were as
accommodating. However, god help the Moroks if there should ever be a bit of a
flap on and they need to get their hands on some weaponry in a hurry. All those
questions! I can just picture it: Morok: 'Quickly, we're being attacked - I need some guns now!', Computer: 'Certainly sir, but first - what is the capital city of Trinidad and Tobago?', Morok: 'Erm, I don't know. I'm from the Supreme Morok Empire, I've never heard of Trinibago and Tobdad. I just want some guns please!', Computer: 'Certainly sir, but first - who represented Denmark in the 1985 Eurovision Song Contest, eventually coming in eleventh place?', Morok - 'Look, I've no idea what you're talking about...just give me some bloody guns will you, this is urgent!', Computer - 'Certainly sir - but first, who wrote the original Mr Men books?', Morok: 'Jut shut up and give me some sodding guns before I kick the living crap out of you, you stupid bloody pile of electronic shite', Computer: 'Certainly sir, but first...', Morok: 'OH, FUCK OFF'...(continue ad infinitum).
 |
| Barbara realised the only way she was ever going to nab herself a younger fella was by employing knockout gas. |
- Dako (first name Donnie?) tells Barbara the Moroks invaded without warning. What he hell did he expect? A note popped through every letterbox on Xeros? 'Dear Xerons, It's the Moroks here. Hello. Just a quick line or two to let you know that we're planning to invade your planet. We were thinking of next Thursday...How's that for you? Around 5-ish? See you then, Love, The Moroks'.
- the Moroks tunics tend to rise up at the front whenever
they sit down, so that when they stand up it looks a bit like they’ve got a
stiffy.
 |
| Disaster strikes the Doctor Who studio when William Hartnell accidentally gets stuck fast to a wallpapering table. |
- Barbara shows an awful lot of petticoat throughout Episode
Three. Careful! It’s a slippery slope! Next she’ll be leaving the TARDIS
without wearing a bra!
- The Final Phase
(of my patience), and Ian’s found the Doctor in the Preparation Room, although
the only “preparation” William Hartnell looks as if he needs is Preparation H. ‘You’d better bring him
back to life’ says Ian. Well, good luck with that!
- if Zaphra gas is supposed to be ‘paralysing’ then the
Moroks really need to look up the definition of the word in the dictionary!
- hmmm, the Moroks are going to try and open the TARDIS doors
with what looks like an aqualung.
- whenever Ivor Salter as the Morok Commander walks on set he
immediately looks as though he can’t wait to walk off it again. He exudes an
attitude of “I’m better than all this”. And d’you know…I think he might be
right.
- Death-o-Meter: (not a
single person croaks it until ten minutes into Episode Four, at which point it
becomes a bit of a bloodbath) 92 - 96. Morok
Guards - shot during the *ahem*
revolution; 97. Sita - gunned
down by the Morok Commander (‘Have any arms fallen into Xeron hands?’ - oh fuck
off); 98. Lobos - shot by
Tor. Oh well, he was bored with his job anyway; 99. Morok Commander - shot (as should the writer have been).
 |
| [right] Fan favourite DVD extra and drag granny, Ida Barr; [left] Doddery Doctor and serial line fucker-upperer, the Doctor. |
 |
| With his career on Xeros over, Lobos reluctantly settled himself into his new job - operating the ball-dropping machine on the National Lottery. |
- Vicki and Tor waving to each other at the end saw a
mouthful of white wine shoot down my nose. It’s just so shite.
- jumping a time track is a good idea, or would’ve been if
the writer had even the remotest idea of what he was trying to say. The
Doctor’s dismissal of them all wearing their everyday clothes at the beginning
of the story is utterly bizarre. He just carries on as normal and puts it down
to ‘Time and relativity’, which is fine, but a little bit of an added explanation wouldn’t
have gone amiss? And then there’s the glass coming back together in Vicki’s
hand after she’s dropped it. All well and good. It’s an effective…erm…effect.
But once back in the control room she’s claiming she hasn’t had time to clear
the mess up. Eh? It reassembled itself - we saw for ourselves there was nothing
left to clean up. Then on landing, the Doctor postulates that ‘we’re not really
here’. It’s as if the show is suddenly trying to do existentialism without
really knowing exactly what that is. We do get an explanation for what happened
just before they leave at the end of Part Four (and for explanation read “cop
out”). Yes, once again it was the TARDIS malfunctioning - for the 403rd time since the series started a little over eighteen months ago! It’s the fast
return switch all over again!
Score on the
TARDIS Doors - 2 - doesn’t exactly
inspire you to get up and pop along to the British Museum, does it. The whole
story seems to be a depiction of what life would be like in a society without
female influence - stale, lethargic, all talk and (ironically) no trousers.
Tellingly, all that changes when Vicki appears on the scene. The Moroks are
symbolic of the generation that won the war - once lauded victors, they’ve been
unable to adapt to a life in peacetime and consequently their whole society has
become stagnant. Their space museum represents the wider Morok malaise - it’s a
really boring civilisation in microcosm, well past its sell-by date, complete
with decaying atmosphere and complete lack of inspiration. The exhibits they
curate are not items from which anything can be learnt to help forge a better
future, but constant reminders of past glories and just what it is they’ve
lost. The Xerons, on the other hand, representing modern youth, have a voice
and want it to be heard. And herein lies the crux of the story. And sadly it’s
terribly dreary. It’s just a load of old blokes arguing amongst themselves and
complaining about the kids of today (‘Youth never appreciates what it has’ says
Lobos) and a load of young blokes finding a voice and, um, prevaricating. Basically
it’s a metaphor for the 1960s (‘The children, as you call them, are growing up’
the Governor is told). On the plus side, the music is great. It’s just a pity
that no one connected with the show can lay claim to it (it’s all from stock)!
Overall, in the words of the Doctor, it’s the Decline and Fall of the Roman
Empire…in space…with funny hairdos and a starchy wardrobe.
 |
| Hmmm, look what I found up for sale in the hardcore gay pornography section of eBay... |
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