…*puff*, *pant*, *wheeze*…it’s no good, I’m going to have to stop…I’ve got stitch, it’s…
The Chase
In which a load of oddly shaped balls with speech impediments (well I can't understand a bloody word they say) kick the living shit out of the Daleks', while Ian and Barbara, finally having had enough of scripts by Terry Nation, jump ship…
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| Barbara really hadn't expected the Doctor to be such a fantastic lover. She was absolutely shagged - quite literally. What she really fancied now was a cigarette. |
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| It was alright, she supposed, but Barbara had been hoping for at least fourteen inches. Ha! Hadn't we all love... |
- the first ever attempt to show the TARDIS in flight is to
film it on a table top and overlay a kaleidoscopic image of “something vaguely
spacey in appearance” over it. Let me guess. Richard Martin’s back?
- Time-Space Visualiser
- a whacking great thing with the tiniest black and white portable television
in the history of electronics at its centre. Still, as my grandmother would no
doubt have said, it probably wouldn’t look too bad with a few ornaments on top
of it. It allows you to peak at any event in history, or, as the Doctor
explains ‘It converts neutrons of light energy into electrical impulses’ (I bet
somebody had to scribble that on the back of the prop in order for Bill to get it right!).
This is achieved by inserting what would appear to be wooden blocks which
resemble “Do Not Disturb” signs into a slot. Ian chooses the Gettysburg
address, which is a bit obscure for a science teacher, isn’t it? I’d have
expected him to go for either something terribly gung-ho and heroic from the
First or Second World War or Marie Curie stirring a pot of radium in her shed (although
I can also imagine him getting up in the middle of the night and trying to
programme it to get a glimpse of Barbara in the shower). God! Wasn’t Lincoln
boring. Droning on about “the birth of freedom” is all well and good, but he
could’ve done with taking a few lessons from Ping-Cho on how to put it across
with a bit more pizazz. Barbara opts for an episode of Coronation Street…erm, I mean the court of Elizabeth I. Bloody hell,
is that supposed to be Shakespeare? If this is set before The Shakespeare Code then what happened to turn this waspish,
slightly fey, little prig into someone quite literally from Shameless. And if it’s set afterwards,
then what happened to turn the cocky, arrogant, egotistical gobshite into the
mummy’s boy of The Chase? Vicki, on
the other hand, chooses to watch The
Beatles. Hooray! Finally a bit of pop culture in Doctor Who. She calls their music ‘classical’ as if she’s never
realised this before. Are we supposed to accept that this is the first time
she’s ever heard them play? It doesn’t make sense. How can you know so much
about them, even having visited their Memorial Theatre in Liverpool, as she
says she has, and yet not know what they sound like? Has all their music been
lost? Whatever. The most important thing we learn from her choice is never,
ever take Ian to a disco. Interestingly enough, the Doctor doesn’t get to have
a go. But there again, I suppose he can see history for real anytime he wants. It’s still a bit
odd though. It’s liking owning a toaster even though you have a wheat allergy.
- so, the Daleks have a time machine now! Hmm. It looks like
a wardrobe.
- the whole ‘ring in
the field’ business - what the fuck is Vicki on? And can I have some? It’s like
someone’s spiked her Vimto with LSD.
- wow. Night really does fall quickly on Aridius, doesn’t it.
It’s like someone’s just flicked a switch.
- Mire Beasts - quite an
effective monster all told, even if it does look like a cross between a duvet
and a scrotal sac. Sadly, in both episodes in which it appears, one of its eye
lights is out (interestingly, none of the Dalek’s lights are working properly
in the cliffhanger to Episode Two. What this production really needed was a sponsorship deal with a reliable light bulb manufacturer). And any horror we
might feel as one breaks through a wall and eats an Aridian in The
Death of Time is lost thanks to the constant belching, gulping sound it
makes.
- look at the base of the TARDIS. The ship would appear to be
on wheels now!
- when the Daleks move across the sand on location, theyappear to pick up their outer casings and tippy toe across it, as if they’re
hoisting up their skirts to stop them from getting dirty.
- Aridians - are they
supposed to be descended from fish I wonder, as they appear to have fins up
their backs and on their heads, and gills instead of ears. There’s also a nod
to scales on their shoulders and chests. They’re…well…cheap…aren’t they. A
bargain bucket life form you might say. All jockstraps, ill-fitting lycra and
angsty performances. They sound as if they’re constantly on the verge of tears.
Mind you, in his favour, Malsan has a cracking pair of thighs.
- the shot of the tunnel being blown up is great, although
it’s a pity the explosion goes off before the Aridian’s pressed his plunger.
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| The Dalek equivalent of Tom Daley suddenly has second thoughts... |
- the Daleks call their weapons neutralisers in this. Still,
I suppose it’s a much higher word score in Scrabble.
- Flight Through Eternity, and Richard Martin has resorted to showing the TARDIS
flying through the vortex by utilising a cardboard cut-out police box. It’s the
Voord falling into the acid sea scenario all over again. How ironic that the
chase should take the Daleks to the Empire State building, something which they
had a hand (sucker?) in building. I know you’re all going to think I’ve gone
soft, but…I LOVE all the Morton Dill stuff. It’s hysterically funny. Completely
OTT. His reaction to the Daleks is the funniest thing in the series so far. And
Peter Purves gives a wonderful performance. Sadly though, the Mary Celeste looks a bit like a toy boat
floating in somebody’s bathtub, although on the plus side the visit cheers
Barbara up considerably. She ‘loves sailing ships’. In The Dalek Invasion of Earth she also recognised the docks if you
remember. This woman definitely has a secret life she’s not letting on to. The
crew of the ship think all this is a visitation by the White Barbary Terror. No
dears…it’s the white Barbara-ey terror. Vicki, meanwhile, proves herself to be
quite handy with a truncheon. She and Professor Emilia Rumford should’ve had
their own spin-off series!
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| Oo'er. |
- Haunted House at the Festival of Ghana - hmmm, I think Peking had the right idea in closing it
down as it’s all a bit shite. Paying $10 entry seems a bit steep considering
all you get is a shouty piece on the stairs (played by the infamous Roslyn
“Insect Movement” de Winter), a bat flying at you on a very noticeable thick
piece of string in true Hammer Horror
style, a badly ventriloquised Dracula (even Keith Harris with Orville is more
convincing) with worryingly flimsy looking teeth (they'd buckle biting into a marsh-mallow never mind a virgin's neck), and a Frankenstein’s monster that’s so concerned about decency it
stops to put on a pair of trousers and a jacket when getting up off the
laboratory table, even though its environment is being invaded by ruthless
alien battle machines (and even though it’s nothing more than a machine itself).
I’d certainly be hammering on the grille of the box office demanding my money back.
Barbara quotes Donne - For Whom the Bell
Tolls…actually it’s tolling for Richard Martin, who’ll never be invited
back to the series again (in fact, with a new production team just around the
corner, I swear that in the background you can almost hear the sound of his contact details going
through the shredder in Verity’s office). The Doctor’s theory
as to where they might be is interesting…if utter bollocks. I mean how can you
mistake some ropey old funfair attraction for ‘the dark recesses of the human
mind’? Confusing it for an episode of Scooby-Doo,
on the other hand, I could understand.
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| The Robot Doctor, pictured yesterday (well, it bears more of a resemblance to William Hartnell than the ones the Daleks' cobble together). |
- The Death of Doctor Who and I see the budget’s almost run out. It certainly didn’t
stretch to a realistic jungle floor…unless the Mechonoids concreted it over as
part of their terraforming programming. And some of the plant life is cardboard
cut-out fleshed out with some recycled net curtain from The Web Planet! The strain on resources is definitely beginning to
show. There’s also the usual “Martinisms” in abundance - actors filmed waiting
for queues, walking past props that aren’t supposed to be there (Ian, Barbara
and the Doctor walk right in front of the Dalek time ship which isn’t supposed
to have arrived yet) and then of course, most famously of all, there’s Camera 5
hiding behind a bush. However, the Mechonoid city is awesome.
- Fungoids - really
narky mutant stalks of cauliflower.
- fair play...the Daleks have constructed a cracking robot likeness
of Professor Darrius! Just a shame it’s supposed to be the Doctor. Even modern
day Doctor Who “Action Figures” are
more convincing, and that’s saying something (well, all apart from the John
Simm incarnation of the Master one which looks more like Bernard Bresslaw).
It’s a wonderful concept, to create a robot Doctor to ‘infiltrate and kill’.
Sadly, it’s just very badly realised. The saving grace of the whole sequence is
the scene where the duplicate tells Barbara that Ian’s dead - it’s very
powerful, and something that’ll be happening to a companion for real the next
time the Daleks put in an appearance in a story.
- Mechonoids - sound a
bit like Cher when she sang “Believe”. They have what look like little metal
lids at the top of their spheres which pop up and down…which makes it look as if they’re
raising that hats in “Hello”. Little balls pop out as this happens! They make
the Smash robots look positively
state-of-the-art.
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| The Daleks' look on in utter amazement as the Mechonoids prepare to go into battle by setting fire to their own farts. |
- where did Steven Taylor get all his wood from? And talking
of “wood”, he’s been without human company for two years, so I hate to think
about all the things that poor bloody panda of his must’ve been subjected to!
It’s going to need a good soak in a bucket of OMO once it’s aboard the TARDIS.
- they all use a cable to reach the ground from the city
above - it’s the equivalent of a stunt an unsuspecting member of the audience
might get called upon to do in a programme hosted by the likes of Noel
Edmonds…’Right Maureen, if you abseil from the top of this multi-storey car
park in Dagenham you could win an all all-inclusive one week holiday in L'Estartit’.
- Death-O-Meter: 100. Aridian - exterminated by a
Dalek just as it’s about to come over and say “Hi”; 101. Mire Beast - killed as the Bruno Taltalian (or
whatever) airlock is blown up. Vicki kindly steps on its body as she goes to
get help for a concussed Ian which, considering what it is they resemble, fair
brought a tear to my eye; 102 & 103.
Aridians - exterminated by Daleks after digging the TARDIS out of
the sand. Still, they don’t make much of an effort to leg it, so serves them bloody well right; 104. Malsan - eaten
by a testicle...I mean Mire Beast; 105. Dalek
- falls down a cardigan covered hole and is eaten by a Mire Beast (or so we can
gather from what the Doctor and Ian say), who probably develops a liking for
canned food as a result; 106 - 116. -
the passengers and crew of the Mary
Celeste become collateral damage as they all chuck themselves overboard
when the Daleks arrive on their ship, so that’s Benjamin Spooner Briggs (Captain), Albert G. (not C. as credited) Richardson (Mate), Andrew
Gilling (Second Mate), Edward
William Head (Steward & Cook), Volkert
Lorenson, Arian Martens,
Boy Lorenson and Gottlieb Gondeschall (all
Seamen), Sarah Elizabeth Briggs
(the Captain’s wife) and Sophia
Matilda Briggs (their two year old daughter) [the script names one of
the seamen as Willoughby, which would appear to be made up. It also credits
Bosun and Cabin Boy, so take your pick from the above]; 117. Dalek - gets a bit carried away with itself and goes
overboard too. Twat; 118 & 119. Daleks
- both groped to death by Frankenstein’s monster; 120. Fungoid - appears to get zapped by a Dalek. Well, it
flaps about a bit and disappears behind the TARDIS, so it’s going on the list; 121 - 125. Daleks - one is
caught out by the Doctor’s booby trapped firebomb while the rest get their
arses whooped by the Mechonoids. Serves
them right the smug gits.
(None of the Daleks on the assassination squad make it back
home to Skaro for tea, but I don’t know how many that totals altogether.
Similarly, none of the Mechonoids survive, but they're genuine robots with no
organic elements, so they don’t make it onto the list. Neither does the Robot
Doctor.)
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| Having finally gotten rid of the Doctor, Ian and Barbara can't wait to book themselves into the nearest Travel Lodge. |
- Cry Watch - Ian and
Barbara leaving. What more can I say, it really is the end of an era and I feel
as gutted as the Doctor at their wanting to leave. But in a way it’s time they
did. The show’s been getting a bit too comfy of late and it desperately needs a
bit of a shake-up. Still doesn’t stop me from howling like a baby with a rather
full nappy though. The snapshots of them running around London enjoying their
return are a lovely touch, as is the fact that the Doctor and Vicki are
watching them on the Time-Space Visualiser…I just hope they have the decency to
switch it off before the two teachers book themselves into the nearest hotel
for the night where they’ll no doubt demolish the mini bar and shag until the
headboard collapses - because I bet that’s where they’re heading off to on the
bus,. Nevertheless, the Doctor’s angry bluster at their desire to risk life and
limb to get back to their own time is a lovely reminder of how volatile their
relationship was at the very beginning of the series, the difference now being,
of course, that it’s a cover for the deep sense of loss he’s going to feel at
their going. The really sad thing is knowing it’s not only how the Doctor copes
with their loss, but by all accounts William Hartnell too.
Score on the
TARDIS Doors - 8 - by all rights I
should absolutely loathe this story, containing as it does all of Terry
Nation’s and Richard Martin’s worst excesses. Yet in spite of all that, and
perhaps because of it, it’s actually wonderful, wonderful stuff. Terry in
particular gets the quest storyline right at long last (after trial runs with the expedition
section of The Daleks and the
abortion that was The Keys of Marinus).
It’s a real feel-good story, containing a little bit of everything - The Beatles, NYC, the Mary Celeste, a haunted house and an
alien planet with its own breed of robotic “monstrosities” living in a gorgeously
futuristic looking city in the sky. It’s completely engrossing - who says Classic Who was never designed to watch
all in one go. The pace is both exhausting and exhilarating in turns and I
skipped my way quite merrily through it at quite a lick. Wine + cheesy nibbly bits +
The Chase = fabulous night in. Go
on…try it.
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